Mr Cutts Slumming It

That sounds illegal/wrong. In more than one way.

I for one sure wouldn't like a cucumber in my strides. Much less a coked-up one.

I assume the cucumber wouldn't be too chuffed either claus ;)

Back in the 1920's or 30's one of my aunts was widowed at a fairly young age and subsequently remarried a rather uncouth mill foreman, a fellow named "Will." As this was a VERY small lumber mill town their large-ish home (mill foremans were fairly high up the rural South's caste system in that day) was in the center of town but also had fairly large vegetable gardens, chicken yards, and small orchards in the side and back yards. As it so happens, and in keeping with the new theme of this thread, CUCUMBERS were grown beside the rear entrance.

I should note here that because Will worked around saws, steam engines, etc. at the lumber mill he had lost most of his hearing and tended to speak in a very loud, booming voice even in casual conversation. When he raised his voice to get attention, you could hear him for quite a distance.

Anyway, he came home for lunch one afternoon while the house was bustling with domestics doing the housecleaning. It was warm, and all the windows were open. As he came up the rear steps he evidently saw my aunt in one of the rooms upstairs ...he also saw the cucumbers and boomed

Will: "Hey, do you want me to pick some of these cucumbers?"

Aunt: "How big are they?"

Will (apparently thinking he's going to embarrass his wife in front of the help): "About as big as my dick!"

Aunt (quick-witted gal and without hesitation): "In that case, better leave them for a while."

Of course, all the help and about half the town heard the exchange. He never lived it down.